It's all old news, but it's still worth a rant because it's so bloody ridiculous. Now whatever could I be talking about? Hmm"could it be that Paris Hilton has a career? I agree, completely ridiculous, but not worth my concern dear playchums.
No, this week, or rather this month, because it's been building in ridiculousness for that long, it's Hot Coffee Gate. Now, if you don't know what I'm talking about, step out from under that rock, throw open the doors of your survivalist bunker (it was just a Spielberg movie).
For some weeks now, Rockstar has once again been at the centre of controversy. It's over their latest game – oh, no, sorry, I mean the game they released LAST YEAR! Gah!
Yes my friends, Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas is still causing a storm in a teacup, slowly mounting to a typhoon in a fruit bowl.
The whole sorry saga began when some industrious souls created a mod called Hot Coffee. There was blustering, flustering and much outrage caused because the mod contains a mini game that involves simulated sex. Shock, gasp, swoon!
ESRB launched an investigation, hot under the collar politicians pointed their fingers angrily and the games industry looked on in mild disbelief. All of a sudden San Andreas was a corruptible force that should be rated Adult Only (AO) – again. This is pretty much the commercial kiss of death in the US because the mainstream shops pull AO games off their shelves.
The fact that adults aren't allowed to buy games aimed at adults without going down some back alley, or wherever it is you go when you don't shop in Wal-mart is bizarre in itself. But all these politicians and angry townspeople do know what GTA is about right!?
Or do they?
They can't know, otherwise surely they'd shrug and move on.
Then Hillary flipping Clinton gets involved. Er"I mean Senator Clinton. Despite Rockstar making it clear that the game didn't contain the code and assuring everyone it was the work of wily modding types, Hillary just couldn't let it lie. Further investigations needed to be made to assess the rating and consider a change to AO.
And to top it all off, a Miami lawyer called Jack Thompson, well known for vilifying games, decided to call the president of the Entertainment Software Association (ESA) a thug. From this point on it became a bit of a farcical pantomime of oh yes you did, oh no we didn't.
Not a day went by without a new twist or turn in the ongoing saga that is Hot Coffee and Rockstar being blamed for everything ever.
"Sorry honey, I burnt the toast – GTA San Andreas made me do it."
"I forgot to do my homework because GTA San Andreas doesn't feature kids doing homework and gave me no moral framework for my life. My parents are gonna sue Rockstar and you can have a cut of the compensation if you give me an A."
Hah! Then some American grandmother decided to sue Rockstar because of Hot Coffee. Her argument being that the simulated sex mini-game was unsuitable for her 14 year old grandson. Un-frigging-believable. So a Mature (17+) rated game is suitable for her grandson!? Stealing cars, drive-by shootings, murdering cops and gang warfare is all fine. But sex between consenting pixels – good grief no. That just wouldn't do.
What is going on people? Why is the moral right fine with violence, but terrified of sex? And I'm using the word ‘sex' in the loosest possible sense. I mean even watching game characters kiss is enough to make you slip into a vegetative state with its inability to arouse anything other than mild disinterest.
I don't understand how since Vice City we've been enticing hookers into the backseat of cars, shooting them and stealing their money (come, come now, we've all done it) without even a raised eyebrow.
I've murdered passers-by because they looked at me funny or I didn't like the cut of their jib. I've reversed over the person whose car I'm driving. I've done unspeakable things and nobody's batted an eyelid. Okay, so there was a mild disturbance in the force that is America's new moral army, but nothing we couldn't handle.
But give us some shonky graphics suggesting sexual activity and the whole world's outraged. There's a reason why we don't have sex in games and that's because it doesn't work. It just doesn't work. It's either boring, kind of discomforting or just laughable. So to think that it could corrupt is just lunacy I tell you, lunacy!
Anyway, it's all okay now because there's a patch for the er"patch. Just brush it under the rug, avert your eyes and sing Stars and Stripes or something.
Meanwhile, back in the UK, GTA San Andreas maintains the 18 rating it's always had and happily sits on store shelves everywhere unscathed. Hmmm and I thought us British were supposed to be stuffy and reserved"
You gotta love this industry! Who needs telly when you've got Rockstar to stir up a hornet's nest for just existing. Tune in next week"
Most played: Killer 7
Most wanted: The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess