Gamer.tv has begun its search for the UK's sexiest gamer, according to this week's press release. It is this revelation that has brought me to wondering whether this is just the modern day search for the Holy Grail. Are gamers sexy? And if we are, what are the implications, if any?
It is kind of like searching for the world's sexiest comic book shop owner. I guess there could be a sexy one somewhere, but do we really need to know!?
Apparently, contestants of Gamer.tv's illustrious competition will be put through rigorous testing to prove that they are "genuine computer and video gamers." I wonder what crafty, computer generated hoops they will make the "candidates" jump through in order to filter out the pretenders. Once the thorough vetting process has been done, a male and female, gaming sexpot will be crowned and we'll all be like, "Yay, we are sexy after all."
One has to wonder if the industry has sunk to a new low. Do we really have to reduce ourselves to beauty pageants to get accepted by the rest of society? If so, shouldn't super models be put through televised IQ tests? They are the role models for a generation of young girls and it would only seem fit.
We gamers need to take a stand against this flagrant exploitation. Just because we're not all really, really good looking"or maybe we are, maybe there's a gorgeous gamer in all of us.
But surely when we chose the path of the geek and said, "no darn it, I'm not going to grow out of it like society says I should, because it's still really good fun," surely at this point we transcended all ideals of sexiness. We rejected society's obsession with external beauty. It's kind of a gamer's equivalent of burning your bra or your social bridges, depending on how you look at it.
Anyway, I thought gamers were cool now. Gaming is the new skateboarding. Everyone's got one console or the other and t-shirts emblazoned with gaming references are de rigueur, even if you did buy it at the Gap.
Then of course you have to ask, what sort of gamer goes in for the sexiest gamer competition? Hmmm, tricky one that. Now, there's a parapet I wouldn't like to stick my head up over. I mean, so you win and there you are splashed on the cover of"yeah, what magazine would even cover it? Women's mags don't touch games full stop, sexy or no. Lad's mags will probably get the sexy girl gamer in some cheap lacy undies for a "tasteful' photo shoot and that'll be your lot. Then of course she'll have the honor of having someone somewhere creating a fan site with lots of pics of her in cheap lacy undies.
The guy will be a mere foil, a side-kick. He'll be a Prom King to her Prom Queen; I mean nobody cares about the King – only the Queen, right!? For example, Laura Palmer was a Prom Queen, but her Prom King never got a look in. I mean he should have been a prime suspect, but I guess he was just a stooge.
Err"sorry, back to the sexy, gaming couple. Of course the sexy, gaming guy will take centre stage when it comes time for the inevitable destruction of their credibility as gamers.
"Okay, so you're sexy, but have you finished Ikaruga on mega-hard level? Pah, call yourself a gamer"you obviously spend too much time doing your hair mate." That's what they'll say, quietly of course, or vociferously on forums.
Just exactly what will be the significance of finding a sexy gamer anyway? All it will prove is that 2 percent of the population is better looking than the other 98 percent, but we kinda knew that already. Thanks, but that's no newsflash folks.
Hey, you never know, if gaming becomes sexy enough Hideo Kojima could be marketing his own brand of Calvin Klein style unisex perfume. Peter Molyneux, always one to take the lead, will be bringing out an exclusive line of fashion wear – in black and white of course. And Jeff Minter"no, he'll never be sexy, sorry Jeff.
Why do we have to pander to the inane, the banal and the vacuous? I'm going to sit back and let the sexy gamers play Steel Battalion in their underwear, whilst eating grapes out of each other's navels on national TV, thankful that I don't feel the need to do the same in order to qualify my choice of leisure interest. Or maybe they'll just be rejects from Pop Idol and Big Brother giving their 15 minutes of fame one last ditch attempt – we can but hope.