Will Chella Ever Catch Skyrim Fever?

When you’re writing a short story or a novel, you’re always told that your opening line is the most important thing you’ll ever write. This is the moment that hooks your reader. You only have a few seconds before they put the book down and pick up something else. If they get to the bottom of the first page, you’re doing well and if they turn to page two, you’re in with a good chance of taking them all the way to the end. I think the same lessons can be applied to games. And with all the praise that’s been showered on Skyrim, nothing prepared me for the stultifying opening I’ve just had to wade through.

Okay, so I missed the Skyrim frenzy at launch. I’m sure I had a very good reason, but I can’t remember what it was. The point is, I’m finally getting around to playing the game that everyone’s raving about and so far, I just don’t get it. I’ve probably played around nine or ten hours, which I know is trifling in Skyrim terms, but IRL, that’s a lot of hours. That’s more than a working day or a night’s sleep. So I’ve played for one sleep and I spent most of it wishing I was playing something more interesting instead.

*gasp* I said it out loud. Yeah, Skyrim’s been boring the pants off me and here’s why.

If anyone claims this game had them hooked right from the beginning, they must have been high, because Skyrim has the most forgettable intro ever. In fact, I had actually forgotten it, until I went on Youtube to remind myself.

Let me take you back to the ride in the cart. Yes, the game opens with you sitting in a cart with your hands literally tied, listening to an info dump from fellow prisoners, who fill you in on the setting and story so far. The scene is plagued by the usual lighting issues and you have to look at the character who’s speaking otherwise you can’t hear them properly. That is, if you want to hear a list of fantasy names and places, ending in ‘dor’ and ‘burg.’ Add to that the first of many shonky mock-Scandinavian accents that would make even the guy who played Scotty in Star Trek blush.

Skyrim’s opening falls into all the fantasy writing traps ever. Exposition littered with unfamiliar names, which just turn into blah, leading to slow, plodding set-up, but end it all with a dragon in the misguided hope that that fulfils the need for action, excitement and an inciting incident.

Well, it doesn’t.

Instead I spent many in-game days treading old fantasy RPG ground. There were forests and standing stones. There were pseudo-mediaeval villages, giants, mammoths and frost trolls. Then I talked to townspeople and I received quests. Just to mix things up, the quests were along the lines of go to the haunted ridge on the angry mountains to recover the petrified dragon’s foot. Snore. So I trudged up the snowy mountain and slayed orcs and skeletons and rifled their remains for gold and potions. And I beat my head against my pad because I’d done it all before in Oblivion and countless other games.

Where was the innovation and gaming wonder I’d been promised? I talked to friends and they assured me that it is there, so I trudged on. They told me to ignore the main story quests and go off the beaten track, so I did that. I was poor and lonely and people kept saying I looked sick.

I was beginning to think that I’m not the gamer I thought I was. I was playing it wrong. Because EVERYONE loves Skyrim. But I’m not the only one. There are others who tried to get through the tedious first few hours, just to give up and accept defeat. I however, persevered, sure that there must be a good game in there somewhere.

So last night, I gritted my teeth and went back to the main plot for a while, to see if that would get me anywhere. I have to say, by the time I switched off last night, I was beginning to get that ‘just 30 minutes more’ feeling. I suspect I will grow to like Skyrim, but I’m not sure I’ll ever totally forgive it for its flaws.

My list of complaints begins with the boring opening, but quickly leads on to the map. What the hell is up with that map? It would be better to not have it at all. The zoom feature is a joke and in a game that focuses on exploring a vast world, a decent map would have been nice. Plus it’s the first rule of Tolkein ‘ fantasy = map.

Then there’s the combat. Oh my word, the combat. Why is there no targeting system? I have fought countless battles with my back to my foe, while swinging my sword at a wall. Add to that the stupid favourites system, which means you always have the wrong thing selected and you’ve got frustration on a stick.

I’m also a bit puzzled by the weird levelling system. It seems to be a free-for-all, which I felt was out of place in a game that promises to be the most traditional of fantasy RPGs. There are no careers, just a bewildering array of skills and perks. This isn’t altogether a bad thing, as it allows you to shape your character, more along the lines of GURPs; giving you free rein to explore different skill sets.

My main issue is that my character has no voice. This really pulls me out of the game because characters are talking to me, but I can’t talk back. As someone who loves Mass Effect, one of the best things is that my character speaks and her dialogue feels really natural and seamless. The dialogue in Skyrim takes the traditional RPG route of asking fixed questions and feels really old fashioned. This is an especially glaring flaw in a game everyone and their dog tells me is the best thing since sliced bread.

I know I’ve mentioned the dodgy accents before, but really they need highlighting. My particular gripe is with some Jarl’s wizard, whose accent veers between cockney and Danish. It’s like Bjork’s worst nightmare and he’s not the only one. Then there’s the tendency for NPCs to accost you with some banal fact about themselves, even when you’re trying to listen to a main character explain a crucial plot point. But this is a small annoyance when compared to the generally poor acting quality.

The good news is I think I’ve turned a corner in Skyrim. I switched off my console last night, actually looking forward to returning the next day. Usually I walk away, angry that I’ve wasted another evening running through snowy forests. I may be about to discover the game everyone says Skyrim is.

However, I also think that Bethesda have lessons to learn. It really shouldn’t have taken me this long to feel the narrative kick in. That’s just bad pacing. The intro should have sold the world and the gameplay to me in the first few moments and then maybe I’d have forgiven the shabby accents, crap combat and poor map, which on the face of it are just niggles. It isn’t a privilege to play your game Bethesda, so making an inscrutable opening two hours of gameplay isn’t clever it’s just counter-productive.

I’m hoping I’ll revisit Skyrim here soon, extolling its virtues and all the things I love about it. I hope.