It’s spooky season, as I’m sure all of my dear readers are already aware, so I’m definitely trying to target spooky games to go along with the theme. This week, we’re looking into Crime Scene Cleaner, which is the simulator you never knew you wanted to try.
Plot Ahoy!
Approximately a million years ago now, I happened to catch the movie Sunshine Cleaning on cable, and I was transfixed. Sure, a lot of that was the chemistry between its stars Amy Adams and Emily Blunt, but some of it was also a morbid fascination with the idea that, well, someone has to clean up after a tragedy. That, of course, is what you’re going to be doing in Crime Scene Cleaner, though you’ll be doing less of finding meaning in helping the grief stricken and more scrounging to balance the demands of the mob while also avoiding getting arrested.
In Crime Scene Cleaner, you play a father who’s gotten tangled up with the mob in order to save your daughter’s life because of bad insurance coverage. They call you whenever something unfortunate has occurred, and it’s on you to remove the evidence. That evidence will inevitably involve moving bodies, so if gore isn’t your bag, this simulator will not be for you. Also, Crime Scene Cleaner features some pretty salty language, so just be aware that it probably isn’t suitable for little ears.
Review Notes
Crime Scene Cleaner is definitely the game you would expect it to be. It fits nicely within the PlayWay family, though the subject matter feels a little strange. You go to the location, find the body, remove the body, and generally clean up the mess, which just becomes increasingly ridiculous as you continue through the levels. While you scrub walls and dump fouled water down drains, Kovalsky, your character, offers grumpy and often comedic commentary.
You do have to tidy up furniture and decorations that may have been moved a bit during the altercations, but Crime Scene Cleaner is great about showing you where they go. You don’t have to spend needless time wandering through the apartments and locations trying to deduce where the title thinks you should have placed things. You’ll also definitely miss some spots—I mean who hasn’t in real life—and Crime Scene Cleaner will show you where those are as well in the form of purple smudges. Note, you’ll also have to rinse out your mop and sponge, or you’ll end up making a bigger mess than you found when you arrived. Trust me, that’s impressive.
Aside from the subject matter, it plays very much like any simulator that has come before it. You complete missions for money and then in turn invest those funds in better equipment. Crime Scene Cleaner also offers additional secrets that you can unlock and a fun cassette scavenger hunt for completionists, which are features that don’t always appear in simulators.
Visually, the game is well-realized, and the controls work smoothly. The voice acting is a touch uneven, and Crime Scene Cleaner has an unnerving fascination with classical music. As far as plot goes, I have to admit that it was deeper than I expected it to be. The title gives you a deeper look into the lives of the victims you’re cleaning up and, well, their victims. You’ll need to be thorough about your tasks if you want to avoid leading the police back to your boss, who will throw you under the bus with zero compunction.
TLDR
Honestly, Crime Scene Cleaner was far more engaging than it had any right to be, but it is very much a title dealing with adult themes, language, and content. Parents, be aware.
With all that said, Crime Scene Cleaner is bizarrely engaging, especially once you unlock the power washing equipment. Just trust me on that.
Crime Scene Cleaner is available for $19.99 on Steam.
Stray Thoughts From Behind the Keyboard
- No, I do not know why psychos love classical music.
- Be sure to open all the drawers. You can sell illicit substances on the side because of course you can.
- Also, don’t ask why Kovalsky’s knuckles never break. He’s just cool like that. It’s very Last Action Hero of him.
- Moving the bodies can get a little tedious, which…is honestly not a sentence I ever thought I’d type, but here we are.
- Crime Scene Cleaner also provides an undercurrent of social criticism about a society that allows such things to happen. The message isn’t something that gets beaten to death, but it is there.